'No one has ever been more oppressed': Inside the thoughts of Meghan, Duchess of Sussex

Almost exactly two years after the Duke and Duchess of Sussex first absconded to Canada in search of a private life free from media scrutiny, the couple have premiered a six-part series on Netflix detailing their torrid separation from the British royal family.

The documentary is getting mixed reactions. As much of the world teeters on the edge of economic collapse, it may not have been the best time for two multi-millionaires to produce six hours of content itemizing their complaints against royal life. It’s also been just three months since the death of Queen Elizabeth II, who was decidedly not a fan of her grandson’s defection to America.

In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex.

Monday

It’s all been such a roller coaster ride. It was only six years ago that I was little more than an acclaimed, A-list actress. And now? An author, podcaster and esteemed trans-national icon who, let’s be frank, is on the fast track to high political office. And it’s all been entirely by chance. How was I to know that a fling with a minor European royal would set off a cascade of events that would accelerate my rise to the pinnacle of 21st century thought leadership. Before meeting Harry, I didn’t even know that the U.K. had a royal family! Sure, I’d heard of “the Queen,” but I figured that was just some tabloid nickname, like “Macca” or “Jacko.”

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Tuesday

This Netflix documentary was never about me, of course; that’s all just another defamatory lie manufactured by the hostile British media (possibly in league with MI6, but I digress). This docuseries was always about me using my power and voice to expose the systemic racism that lies at the core of British society, Western society and civilization in general. Racism is the one theme that ties it all together. Requiring me to curtsy before the Queen? Racism. The one-star reviews on my Spotify podcast? Racism.

Wednesday

Sometimes, early in the morning, I look over at Harry and can’t help but gasp. Here, in my home – in the very place I’m supposed to feel safest – is the living embodiment of British colonialism. He is the man I “love,” of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that his pale, ginger-flocked body courses with the blood of some of the most evil people who have ever lived: Henry VIII, the man who ordered the crucifixion of Christ, King John, who ordered Columbus to slaughter the Mayans, and Queen Victoria, the woman who literally invented slavery. There are critics who say that if I hold such strong personal objections to the institution of British monarchy, I should abandon my title as Duchess of Sussex, or at least stop mentioning it in every single interpersonal exchange. But that misses the point. These are the same people who say I should eschew flying private, unaware that my usage of fossil fuels yields a net negative effect on the climate due to my advocacy for green causes. And so it is for the royal title; the most anti-colonial I thing I can do is to retain my colonial title.

Thursday

Despite everything, there’s still a part of me that thinks this all could have worked out. I have a recurring dream in which me and Harry’s relatives are all just one big happy family. Me and Catherine recording Instagram videos together about our favourite exercises. Charles and Harry going on Saturday Night Live together to do a skit apologizing for the Irish Potato Famine. All the kids getting together to issue a statement condemning single-gender washrooms. But these people needed to have it their way. I came into this family with enthusiasm and fresh ideas, and I met with nothing more than polite smiles and closed doors. Now I definitely know how George Washington felt when the British royal family forced him to divorce Marie Antoinette to appease the Spanish.

Friday

I think what has hurt me most since the documentary’s release is the accusation that my attempt to tell my truth is somehow “disrespectful” to the memory of the Queen. Yes, I may have spent the last years of her life publicly hinting that her family was riddled with prejudice and venality. I may have used mass media to make harsh generalizations about the society she’d served for seven decades. I may even have suggested on occasion that she was the standard-bearer for a fundamentally wicked ideology that has delivered naught but 1,000 years of human misery and death. But I never targeted her personally. Frankly, were she alive, I think she would be my loudest cheerleader. “Meghan,” she’d say, looking at me with that distinct gleam in her eye, “you did good.”

Featured image, Jane Barlow - PA Images / Contributor